How to reply to an angry message without making it worse

The situation

Your phone lights up with a message that makes your heart race. Whether it's from a partner, a relative, a neighbor or a customer, your first reply sets the direction of everything that follows.

Five steps before you reply

1. Wait. Unless it's an emergency, there's rarely a need to reply in the first ten minutes. Anger fades; a heated reply doesn't. 2. Find the real request. Underneath most angry messages is something specific: an apology, a fix, a decision, or to be heard. 3. Answer that, not every accusation. You don't have to correct every point. 4. Choose your goal. Do you want to repair the relationship, keep a clean record, disengage, or set a boundary? Each needs a different reply. 5. Read it as if a stranger will. Assume your reply may be screenshotted. Would it look calm and reasonable?

Example replies

They write: "You promised you'd fix this last week and you've done NOTHING. I'm done with your excuses."

• Repair: "You're right, I said last week and I haven't done it, and I'm sorry. I'll have it sorted by Thursday and I'll message you when it's done."
• Record-ready: "I said I would complete this last week and it has been delayed. It will be done by Thursday [date]."
• Disengage: "It'll be done by Thursday."
• Boundary: "I'm sorry for the delay, and it'll be done by Thursday. I'm happy to talk about it, but not if we're shouting at each other."

Get four replies to your exact message

Resolve the Disputes reads the message, explains what's really going on, spots any pressure tactics, and gives you four ready-to-send replies to choose from.