BIFF responses: how to reply to a hostile message (with examples)

The situation

You've received a long, angry message full of accusations. Your instinct is to defend yourself point by point. That usually makes things worse, and if the dispute ever reaches a lawyer or a court, a heated reply can be used against you.

The BIFF approach

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The approach was popularized by conflict-resolution author Bill Eddy for responding to high-conflict people.

• Brief: a few sentences. Long replies invite long arguments.
• Informative: stick to facts and the practical issue that needs deciding.
• Friendly: a neutral, courteous tone, even when they aren't.
• Firm: clear about what you will and won't do, with no opening for more debate.

Example

They write: "You never pay on time and you lie about everything. I'm sick of chasing you. Pay the $300 for school trips by Friday or I'm going back to court."

BIFF reply: "Thanks for letting me know about the school trip costs. I'll transfer my share of $150 by Thursday, as set out in our agreement. Please send the receipts when you have them."

Notice what's missing: no defense against "you lie about everything", no counter-accusation, and no reaction to the threat.

Write as if a judge will read it

In family disputes, messages are often printed and shown to lawyers, mediators or judges. A calm, factual sender looks reasonable. An angry one rarely does, whoever started it.

Common mistakes

• Answering every accusation
• Sarcasm, even mild
• Admitting fault to "keep the peace" when you're not at fault
• Making threats you can't or won't carry out

Get a record-ready reply in minutes

Resolve the Disputes writes a BIFF-style "Barrister" reply to your exact message, alongside three other options, and flags the legal risk in the exchange.