When not to reply to a message (and what to do instead)

The situation

A message lands that makes your stomach drop. Everything in you wants to answer right now and set the record straight.

Six times not to reply

1. When they're fishing for a reaction. Insults, provocations and "just wondering" jabs need no answer.
2. When there's no question in it. If nothing needs a decision, nothing needs a reply.
3. When you're angry. Wait at least a few hours. A message sent in anger lasts longer than the anger.
4. When you've already answered. Repeating yourself turns a decision into a debate.
5. When you've asked them to stop contacting you. Replying reopens the door.
6. When a lawyer or a legal process is involved. Get advice before you write anything.

When you do need to reply

Some messages need an answer even if you'd rather ignore them: children's logistics, court deadlines, money owed, instructions at work. Answer only the practical part, briefly. The grey rock method shows how.

Examples

They write: "Funny how you're always 'busy' when it matters. Everyone can see what you're doing."

• Best move: no reply. There's no question, no logistics and nothing to gain.

They write: "Funny how you're always busy. Are you picking up the kids on Saturday or not?"

• Grey rock: "Yes, 10 am on Saturday."

What to do instead of replying

• Save the message.
• Write the reply you want to send somewhere else, then don't send it.
• Talk it through with someone you trust.
• Come back in 24 hours and decide with a clear head.

Not sure if it needs a reply?

Resolve the Disputes recommends a next move for every message, including "don't reply," and explains why.